Realization.. s

I feel weird .
I feel so weird that it's to the point where I want to go back in time and fix everything and anything that happened in my life, starting from 5th grade. Even though I can't remember the whole memory of my childhood till sophomore year, I really wouldn't want to remember because it's THAT irking. At the same time, I do want to know what happened to me why I was like "that" in my past years. As a matter of fact, I recall some things that happened but most likely no one that I know has experienced.
Thank the heavens that I became somewhat facile and socially active in high school,that I became interested in "art" and the relative activities that surrounds that world, that I have a goal to reach in life. Thank the heavens that finally I don't care about what people think of my actions and how I sometimes handle things . Actually , scratch that.. I do care how humans perceive me and I do hide how I handle things most of the time. Most people should be clueless .

Another thing I have realized is I only admitted my "crush" and "liking" to ONE boy in my sophomore year.He probably doesn't even know that he was the first one. Yes, he was the first. It's strange why I admitted it to him . What made him so special? I'm not following. It's not like I expected his "liking" back because I knew he didn't contain mutual feelings. Is this why I consistently fail at "intro to relationships" or "getting to know this specific person because he definitely has some sort of feelings for me" ? haha. I feel that it is. By virtue of my cowardliness, awkward actions,callow feelings/emotions, and how I'm also very much incoherent when I have specific feelings for the opposite sex.

I'm pretty sure my first kiss was a girl when I was around 7 years old. On the lips. This is fucked up but I think I told her to go along with it and I vigorously kissed her on the lips. I don't know who she is.. or how she looks like or how old she is now , or what she's even doing now currently. I had a big barbie mansion.It was pink and angled. It was beauty and my love back in the day. I remember playing barbies with my friend around the same age. Me and my friend made the barbies make out while they were naked. We might've even let them have intercourse in the glorious bathroom. How exactly did my childhood end up being so amorous. All I know is I'm not a lesbian and I don't see girls like that in any way. Honestly, if I was bisexual or a lesbian , I wouldn't hide it, at all. It's even a trend to be bisexual, so what is there to hide. I'm almost positive that I'm asexual or I just never found the those specific feelings yet for that specific someone. I have not had sex yet( which is my pride and joy) and I only had one real relationship in the 7th grade till 9th grade. I don't understand . I was pretty immoral when I was a child but now I have no interest in being promiscuous today.

These weird realizations just occurred to me today this morning. My dad woke me up at 9 in the morning with his compelling voice, and he announced that my mother had to go to the hospital because of her back.I hope she comes back safe. My mom and dad were heading out the garage door and before they closed that door shut, my father asked why I haven't asked mother if she was alright or even "to come back safely" . I don't know why I didn't.. I wish I could've. That was ultra disrespectful of me. My reply to that was in an insincere voice " are you okay?" . They just closed the door on me . I felt like a booger .Subsequently, I cleaned and thought about everything while cleaning. I almost feel that I'm fucked up deep inside where no one, not even myself can perceive it. It worries me.